Reason number one for people to lose control of their lives is the blaming of situations, circumstances and people. When we are talking about regaining control of our lives, it is important to understand what we can’t change: our past, circumstances and the action of people around us. But everything else: how we think, feel and act towards those things are always in our control. Or at least they should.
Every time we complain, we make ourselves a victim. Once we say that people, things or situations are responsible for the misfortune in our life, what we are actually doing is giving away our power to decide how the circumstances will affect us.
In coaching we help clients understand that yes, circumstances can’t be changed, but the way we react to it can. The development we work on revolves around expanding our self awareness and creating a sense of power and responsibility. The goal is to start focusing on what you can do in the situation you find yourself at. Reaching a state of self-confidence and inner harmony means being at a point where your mood doesn’t shift based on the actions of somebody else. Once we decide to own everything that happens to us – good or bad – we are able to respond creatively to our environment. Being aware we can shift anything in our lives positively. You have the power to decide.
Building up emotional freedom also means being able to release all that stresses you out. As we already talked about in a previous post, the first step for releasing stress is the ability to observe your emotions without any judgement – going into your “Observer Mode”, which is realistic, objective and foremost impersonal. Here is another good technique on how to release your stress.
When you have observed a certain emotion, the second step is to label it. Give it a concrete name. At the beginning this might feel hard and weird, but it is just a matter of practice. We have the habit to not concretise what we feel stopping by the act of “feeling”. It’s a wonderful practise to go this one step further and it is also necessary. Otherwise we will never be able to make our emotions tangible. The more concrete you get the better your mind can work with it.
Once you are creating a label for what you are feeling, make sure to use words that relate to you only. This is about you regaining control of your life, so if you feel something, it is related to you. Words or terms relating to somebody else or which are outside directed should be left out. In the here and now, you are 100% responsible for whatever is happening with you. Search for words that reflect this feeling of responsibility and which are not judgmental. Remember what we learned about self compassion.
Now that you have named and maybe even visualised how you feel, describe this feeling from three perspectives: yours (in the first person), from the other involved person (in the second tense) and at last from a spectator’s perspective (in the third person). Speak it out loud and listen to your words about the situation in these three forms. Let the different perspectives have an effect in you. Give yourself the necessary time to speak until you are satisfied. How do you see the situation after that?
What is happening in your life and how you feel about it, are mostly related to your wishes and expectations. Here observation in form of meditation and self awareness is key. Be aware of how your body reacts when you speak things out. Ask “what is the need I have?” and “which is the best way to fulfil it?” Let the answers comes to you. Your body, mind and soul already know it. All you need to do is go into yourself and listen.
As a closure let the things you want to release go through a ritual to mark that it no longer belongs to you. It might sound silly, but marking a closure with a gesture or a sign is a very important step to our brain. In the end celebrate the release, be grateful for the new possibilities you see ahead of you, enjoy the sensation of freedom and then move on.
Keep the focus on what you can do. All the rest will follow.
07.04.2017 – Carolina Fernandes TRANSPERSONAL COACH