Only those who are not afraid are able to love. The way we (don’t) give is a beautiful mirror to help us in the process of understanding what keeps us away from loving unconditionally.
When looking over the heart structure on the physical level we can understand the basics of how love, passion and joy work. The heart is involved by the Pericardium, or the “heart wall”: a double-walled sac containing the heart and the roots of the great vessels. It’s function is protecting the heart and the blood vessels which are intrinsic for our life, stamina and flow.
One the emotional and spiritual levels the Pericardium builds the energetic guard or defense to our inner-self. It creates the safe space our heart needs to connect to our higher-consciousness and its cosmic essence. When we say “it’s only through an open heart that we can create intimacy and affinity” we are actually speaking of opening the energetic wall built by the Pericardium.
The biggest secret for being able to open the heart-wall is becoming self-aware of our own boundaries. Meaning, respecting our inner intime space. We need to know which kind of things, people, situations and energy are good to us. Not being aware of these things, means not being in connection to our own body and self. In this case the communication to the Pericardium is missing and it will keep itself closed to avoid mistakes, protecting us from hurting ourselves.
Unconditional love means unconditional acceptance and understanding for others and the situation they are going through their life at this moment in time. It doesn’t mean you need to accept and receive everything and everyone into your life and much less into your intime space. To love unconditionally means to not judge the condition of others even if it doesn’t fit into your reality and what you consider “good”. There is no such things as “good” and “bad”.Unconditional love means knowing that all we go through are phases in our inner development and that each step of the way is necessary for our growth. You might have walked more steps than other people and that is why you don’t understand why they do what they do – and it all feels “wrong” to you. But if you remind yourself that the person in front of you doesn’t have the perspective you have, and have not walked the same steps you walked, it will become clear to you why they believe what they do is the “right” thing to do. In this sense the same thing is “wrong” and “right” at the same time – all that happens is looking at it from different perspectives and levels of growth. Ken Wilber talks extensively about this topic in his book “The Integral Vision” and I can highly recommend it.
Most of the time people close up exactly because they have not respected their own boundaries, letting others hurt themselves. This causes the “heart-wall” to become thicker along life. We end up judgemental of situations and people, because those are things related to past wounds. The lesson here is: the more we care about our health, the more we respect our inner space, the more we can open-up for people and situations in the future – because we know how to take care of ourselves.
So if a person or a situation doesn’t feel right to you ask yourself: “Am I being judging here or does this energy really don’t fit with me?” – it’s completely ok and actually very important to acknowledge your boundaries here. You should always only allow things that feel good to you to get closer. Remember the question and make sure not to judge.
You might be asking: “but if I don’t allow a situation or a person into my space how can that be unconditional love?!” Well… the unconditional love comes into life when you are able to feel empathy. Empathy means understanding why they are or act the way they do, having clarity about the space they are at in they lives right now and knowing what comes next and which kind of person they will become once they have solved their current issues. And it is always the results, the new person after the growth process that you can love, because you know he/she won’t hurt you. So look at your next now, acknowledge their troubles and shadows, but find inside of them this holy and pure part which will unfold at the end of their path. Bring the love you can feel for it to the person you see today in front of you. This is empathy, this is acceptance, this is understanding, this is unconditional love.
Just on the same manner you can always offer your feedback to people if you believe to see the reason for their struggle and for their current behaviour. But attention here! Feedback needs to be asked for, so never just give feedback to someone, first ask if they want to hear what you want to say. Also be aware that they don’t see what you see, they might not accept your feedback, they might not see it in themselves. That is just fine. Feedback is also no discussion about a topic. Feedback is a short summarised sentence of your neutral view on the situation – and there it stops. Many people will tend to answer back or try to show you reasons for their behaviour. In this case, only listen back and say there is no reason for them to justify themselves.
Another aspect of respecting your boundaries and only allowing what feels good to you is that it doesn’t mean to only do things you like or to only meet the same people you know fit your way of living. Stretching our boundaries on a healthy pace is the precondition to growing our unconditional love and becoming more of our higher-self. And as I wrote before, the more you learn to take care of yourself respecting others, the safer your Pericardium will feel and the more it will allow you to open-up for new safe spaces.You will see at some point that there is nothing worth judging and there is nothing not worth loving.
I know this is all easier said than done, so here a step-by-step for you to follow on your daily life when interacting to people and situations. This will keep you safe and aware of your boundaries and at the same time it will allow you to grow and connect more and deeper to the situations and people around you:
- go out of the house knowing what you want and what you don’t want for the encounters you will have during the day
- in every uncomfortable situation you might come across allow yourself to say “no” – create a distance if you need from the uncomfortable situation or person without mistreating them
- after saying “no” and feeling safe again, ask yourself: was any judgment regarding the other person or situation?
- If yes, use this acknowledgement to meditate about what you are afraid from and ask yourself how the situation or person could have hurt you in order to understand what you are afraid from and where your boundary is
- Acknowledge your (re)-discovered boundary
- Now imagine how you would approach the same situation or person again being aware of your boundaries from the beginning of the interaction and which feedback you would give them
- Allow yourself to care for the other person or situation and offer them your honest feedback, let they know what you didn’t like and where your boundaries are
- No matter how the person acted or reacted in the situation and after your feedback look at them and see who they are and what they are going through now: which kind of person will they be once they have grown out of the current patterns?
- Feel into how you would be able to connect with that new person and only engage to the person in front of you from this energy of unconditional love, understanding their current situation, but also and foremost in full respect for your space and your boundaries.
24.04.2018 – Carolina Fernandes, TRANSPERSONAL COACH